It's ALL good
I'm much better this evening.
Though I'm still overwhelmed by the awesome love that God has lavished upon me, it doesn't seem quite so scary today.
Well, I'm still scared, just not quite as terrified.
On the loooong ride home, I talked and thought and prayed... a lot.
"Lord, how am I supposed to respond to this? Life starts back tomorrow. Tell me how I am supposed to go about my day-to-day when this love is pressing itself into me everywhere I turn!"
There were a lot of prayers like that.
But in the last hour, I popped in a CD of well known worship songs, and I just began to sing along.
Before I knew it, I was BELTING out the lyrics (much to the disdain of CJ, who was trying to color in the back seat).
I felt like I was flying. There it was. Finally. THERE was the release I have been looking for over the past four days.
When I got home, I jumped in the shower and the music just kept on coming. Some old school songs that have always inspired me. And some new lyrics that poured out of my spirit right there in the bathroom.
And suddenly, all that love and passion that had been pressing down and building up... was released and washed over me.
I simply cannot describe what has happened in my heart over the past four days.
That's one reason I'm writing about it here and not in my "public" blog. Because I'm not sure I will ever be able to explain what God has done... and is doing... to my heart this week.
I find myself hoping. Hoping for things that I have not hoped for in a very. long. time.
I see my husband so differently. Because my hope for our future has been restored.
It has been a tough road, ya'll. We have struggled more than I have admitted to anyone.
But in the last six months, I have seen an amazing turn-around in both of us... and in our home.
I have seen the Lord turn our hearts back towards one another.
I have watched as my passive husband became the daring, passionate spiritual leader in my home.
And I have seen the Lord transform my own heart, allowing me to let go of "me" and cling to "us."
But the one thing that has been missing... the thing that has been holding me back (though I never knew it until today) is a lack of hope.
Things that I dreamed about as a newly wed were soon dashed against the rocks of financial stress and poor communication.
My hopes and dreams of romance and love and laughter... all were hidden away a long time.
I wouldn't allow myself to hope.
But as I walked in my front door this afternoon, I felt as if I was walking into a new home... a new marriage... a new life.
Because hope has been restored.
And this is only ONE SMALL AREA that has been transformed this week.
There are dreams that I had as a child...and as a young Christian... dreams that I have never spoken to anyone but God... and dreams that I gave up on long ago....
But hope has been restored.
Once again, I know this sounds over dramatic.
But God has done something amazing in me in the last four days.
I still feel as if it's not complete.
I'm going to read the book again. And also pull some stuff out of the Word.
And honestly, ya'll, I'm writing this here so that *I* will remember it.
Because hope has been restored.
And I have a new Heart of Worship.
And it's ALL good, ya'll. It's ALL good.