Sorry about the language.... I would recommend that you don't read this...
I find myself WRACKED with insecurities tonight.
Isn't it terrible how quickly I forget about all the Lord has done in the last month?
But I haven't forgotten. I still feel him here, close and loving.
I don't doubt his love.
And I don't doubt my hubby's love.
It's HER.
The ONE that has been a thorn in my flesh since BEFORE I started dating B.
Sometimes I wonder if he wishes I were more like HER. She runs 10k's and plays frisbee. She wrestles and jokes with "the guys" and also looks super-hot in a mini skirt. I doubt she's EVER raised her voice to ANYBODY, and she has that "I'm helpless and in need of a big strong man" attraction thing.
The week I left for college (which, incidentally, was two years into our relationship and after we had already started talking marriage) he went on a date with her.
No, they didn't call it a date.
But it was him, and her, at the movies, alone.
But that was in the past, you say. Why am I bringing that up now, you say?
AFTER we were married, he was at her parents' house until 3AM talking with her about her most recent break-up. He never called me once to let me know what he was doing or when he would be home. I was worried sick.
He spent the night at her parents' house when I was at the beach because he's best friends with her brother.
I didn't ask if she was there.
I KNOW that nothing has ever happened between the two of them, and I think I know that neither of them have that in their minds.
But... then she posts next-to-nude pictures of herself on facebook for everybody AND THEIR HUSBANDS to see.
She was in a bikini. A typical picture for a skinny sexy girl to put on facebook. But why HER? Why did THIS sexy skinny girl have to post pictures of herself in a HARDLY THERE bikini on FACEBOOK? Posed like THAT?
Has he seen them?
I don't want to ask. Because if he hasn't, I don't want to bring it up. If he has, I'm not sure I want to know.
She plays Frisbee on the same nights B does. So twice a week they play a "contact sport" together. It's not that anything could happen there. I mean, there's 25 other people playing.
But it's the interaction. The 15 text messages that it takes to work out the Frisbee times. The hugs when they greet or say bye. Her FLIPPIN' SENSUAL posturing.
It makes me sick. Literally. I feel sick.
The fact is this... even IF there is an attraction there. What can I EVER do about it?
If he has NEVER thought of her in that way, and I bring it up, could that START him thinking down that path? Would I come across as the jealous bitch who wouldn't let him have friends... and thereby DRIVE him into her arms?
So I sit. Silently. And I don't ask.
I'm just not sure I want to know.
He's told me ONCE that my body doesn't turn him on.
He said, "It's not that it turns me off... it's just that it doesn't turn me on."
And I understand that. It's fair. I'm not the girl he married. I've been eaten by an additional 125 pounds of fat. I get that.
And so I think... and this is what is really bothering me tonight... if I were a skinny sexy bitch like her, would I even be having these thoughts?
Because, back in the day, I was DAMN sexy. I had big boobs and good curves. I had moves that only came out in the bedroom.
My boobs are deflated milk bags. My curves have curves. I have no more moves.
But SHE does.
She has it all.
And if he had known that THIS is what I would become, would he have married her instead?
Or worse... does he wish now that he had done just that?
I should clarify... he has done nothing (recently) to bring this on.
It's those damn pictures.
Slut.
Gosh.
Not really.
There it is again.
I'm not really mad at her... or at B... or at the situation...
I'm mad at ME. Because if *I* looked the way I SHOULD look, then I feel that I could fight these thoughts away.
......
I got up at 6am and walked/jogged for an hour.
I'll try to do the same tomorrow.
But I also have to cut down the calories.
......
He'll be home soon.
God, help me NOT to talk about this with him. He can't fix it. And I'll be just ASKING for pain. Please, God, help me to keep my mouth shut and focus on YOU.