That is That
Today is a much better day.
Yesterday was the pits.
BEFORE I had to postpone my doctors appointment...
BEFORE our gas got turned off (by some random mistake by the gas company)...
BEFORE $40 went missing out of my wallet....
BEFORE all that badness...
I woke up in a funk because of a dream that I had.
It was all about B cheating.
I won't go into all the details, but basically I got a bunch of messages on my phone from friends who said they suspected B of cheating on me. And when they began to tell me why they thought that, my phone would break up and I was never able to hear any message in its entirety. Then B got home and started tickling me and playing with me. I got into the shower and started running the water so he would leave me alone and so I could re-check my messages. But once I started listening, all of the messages had been erased. Then B started tickling me and playing with me in the shower, and I got really angry with him. I finally said, "SHUT UP! I AM *TRYING* TO LISTEN TO MY FREAKIN' MESSAGES!" This, of course, really hurt his feelings and made him angry. He grabbed his jacket and headed out the front door.
When I woke up, I was in a really funky mood and spent a good portion of yesterday praying about it.
And here is what I feel the Lord is saying...
In the past, there may have been shadows and whispers and reasons for me to worry about their relationship... particularly when I was at Lee. I'm not saying that anything ever happened, but I'm also not saying that the desire or motivation wasn't there. (That was the time of receiving "confusing" messages from him and her and other friends who knew them.)
But now, the Lord is concerned with washing all that away (hence, the shower) and erasing the doubt I have in that area (the fuzzy messages getting erased). But if I keep clinging to the things that have happened in the past... to old suspicions and hear-say, I will do nothing but become more angry with B and eventually push him away completely.
So I'm called to let it go. There is nothing for me to be concerned about now.
And I'm so grateful that the Lord has FINALLY (after 6 years) given me peace about this.
I have been praying DESPERATELY for the Lord to free me of those doubts and worries.
I guess it just had to get worse before it could get better. I guess I had to realize how much this was affecting me, rather than just ignore and pretend like it wasn't affecting me at all.
But it all came out like a pile of green, slimy vomit. All that bitterness and anxiety and stress that has built up over the years.
It came up, and it got dealt with.
Thank you, Jesus.
May I never pick up what You have put down.