A new resolution
I think I'm going to start using this space as a smallish gratitude journal.
I have been battling depression again for the last couple weeks.
I do still feel like I fail at life.
But, today, I don't feel powerless.
The truth is that I have a lot to be thankful for.
A lot.
I also got an opportunity to see myself differently this past weekend.
My friend S got married, and there were a lot of last-minute details to take care of.
I arrived in town at 2am Friday morning, and averaged 3 hours/night of sleep all weekend.
I busted my ass to make sure everything was perfect and she was happy.
And it worked.
The wedding went off without a hitch. I really fell in love with her family, and they all texted me on my way home to tell me how much they appreciated what I did.
S's younger sister's text was especially touching: "Thank you so much for everything you did make S's wedding so perfect. You are an amazing woman, and I am so grateful that S has you in her life."
As I drove away from Athens, I felt accomplished, succesfull, and (most of all) exhausted.
My whole body hurt. My head was throbbing. My feet were swollen. My neck and shoulders sent a lightning bolt of pain behind my eyes every time I moved.
But the feeling of accomplishment and self satisfaction made all of that worth it.
And so I have been thinking... what if I lived my life like that?
I'm sure that I can't go as hard as I did those three days. I would die before the age of 40.
But I do realize that I don't require enough of myself.
If I am tired, I sleep. If my body hurts, I flop on the couch and rest.
The truth is that I can push myself harder than I choose to.
Last weekend, I didn't think about how I "felt." I didn't look at the long to-do list and say, "Hmmm... do I really feel like doing those today?"
I didn't give myself that option. It needed to be done. Regardless of my lack of sleep, or migraine, or general hormonal-ness. The fact was that it had to be done, and I was the only person who could do it.
Isn't that true in my life in general? There are certain rolls that I have to fill and that only I can do. Only I can be a mother to those girls. Only I can be a wife to my husband.
Only I can accomplish the lists of tasks at work.
Sure, they could find people to replace me (in all of those rolls), but no one would be able to do it the way I can do it.
I'm called for such a time as this. I'm necessary. So I must require more of myself.
For months I have been asking, "How do other working moms have the energy to DO all this stuff? To HAVE it all?"
And now I realize - they don't have the energy - but they do it anyway.
So I'm going to try it. I'm going to push past my exhaustion and emotional shortcomings.
I'm going to do what is required of me - regardless of how I feel.
And I am going to be grateful in the process.
Amen. and Amen.