Beautiful Things
This has been an incredibly difficult week.
Besides the fact that B had his surgery, rendering me husband-less for a short period of time, I am struggling with depression. Again.
It has been an effort just to get out of bed.
But get out I did, and I did what was necessary to make sure everyone is fed and semi-happy.
There have been a LOT of tears through the process.
And the crux of it is this: I have failed in every area that is important, and I have NO idea how to recuperate from that.
I don't know what my next step is supposed to be.
I have been in an almost-panic mode for lack of focus and vision. My art isn't working out. I have been a terrible housewife up to this point. My DR stuff is falling behind. My weight is up higher than I will EVER tell ANYONE. In every area I can think of, I am failing.
I'll admit that for a couple days, I let it all overwhelm me. I didn't want to get out of bed. I did get out. But it was extremely difficult, and I napped as often as I could.
This morning feels a little different, however.
The last two nights, I have spent time with the Lord. Even that was difficult. I felt like He was disappointed in me, like I had failed Him.
But here is what He has ministered to me over the past couple days:
Two days ago, He reminded me that my abilities, talents, successes OR failures are NOT my foundation. He is my foundation. The roof cannot be the foundation. A window cannot be a foundation. They are created for many wonderful things, but there can only be ONE foundation.
This was comforting to me because it helped me to realize that I can't "hit bottom," as some people say. He is my foundation. He is my "bottom." When I am at my lowest, when my whole house has crashed down around me, my foundation still stands.
Last night, I was telling Him that I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I keep hearing him tell me to get up at 5am, but I have no idea (other than that) what I am supposed to do. More paintings? More furniture restoration? Should I focus on cleaning my house? Or should I focus on my weight loss stuff? Should I forget about the house and spend more time w/ M while she's at home with me? Or should I go hard-core craft festivals from now until Christmas?
When I wake up in the morning, with a blank day in front of me, I literally have NO idea what I am supposed to do. And so I freeze. I panic. And I usually end up doing little to nothing.
Then last night, He said this: He is working on my behalf. Regardless of what I do during this season, whether I succeed or fail, whether I work hard or sleep all day - no matter what - He is working on my behalf. This can be a season of freedom. I am free to do what I like, what I love, what makes me happy. And regardless of what comes of it, He is working on my behalf to give me a hope and a future.
A HOPE AND A FUTURE. Two things I am severely lacking.
So I wake up this morning with a different mindset. There is nothing I "have to do" only things that I "love to do."
And the truth is, I love taking care of my children and my house. I love doing my art, regardless of whether or not I actually sell it.
This is a season of freedom, not confusion and failure. A clean slate. How many times has the Lord mercifully given me a clean slate? And this time most of all.
...
Through the past couple days, the Lord keeps reminding me of this song. He is singing it to me as much as He is singing it about Himself.
"You Make Beautiful Things"
All this pain, I wonder if I'll ever find my way.
I wonder if my life could really change at all.
All this earth, could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come out from this ground at all?
You make beautiful things.
You make beautiful things out of the dust.
You make beautiful things.
You make beautiful things out of us.
All around, hope is springing up from this old ground.
Out of chaos, life is being found in you.
You make beautiful things.
You make beautiful things out of the dust.
You make beautiful things.
You make beautiful things out of us.
You make me new. You are making me new.
You make me new. You are making me new.