I'm okay with that.
I have felt genuinely happy the last couple days.
It doesn't feel fake or forced. Just happy.
But then I woke up this morning with that old familiar gnawing numbness.
Not as bad. Not as overwhelming. But still there.
A few things I've been thinking about:
Prov. 16:32 says, "Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city."
Last week, P.J. talked about times of constraint, of contraction. He said press into God during those times. Catch a vision of a better life, of freedom. Then don't stop pressing into God until you have it. He said there may be moments of reprieve, like in an emotional church service, or during a "good day." But that's not the same as freedom. That's not the same as moving forward. So even during the moments or days of "relief," keep pressing in. Don't let up.
I did the opposite over the past couple days. I let up. I stayed busy. I didn't press in. I didn't exercise. I barely maintained my house.
So my old "friend" is back today. And I'm pressing in. I'm cleaning my house. I'm scheduling time for a good swim.
Perhaps those three things will be necessary for the rest of my life, for the sake of my sanity. And perhaps that's a good thing.
Last night, P.J. talked about the biggest "dream" or "vision" in the Bible - the promised land of Canaan. He talked about how God gave the vision to Abraham, and how it was passed down from generation to generation, even when the entire nation of Israel was in bondage.
Then he talked about the instructions that God gave to Moses regarding their entrance into the Promise Land in Exodus 23: [talking about the giants in the land] "But I will not drive them out in one year because the land will become desolate.... little by little until you have increased enough to possess the land.... you will drive them out before you."
He said we often expect God to "deliver" us from a situation or "give" us what we desire. When, more often, even if He did deliver us, we would simply go back into our old ways because we have not gone through the process of growth.
He said when he first got married, he and his wife were in debt because they never learned to manage their finances. They prayed for the Lord to deliver them, and He did. The Lord provided miraculously, and they became debt free. But within a matter of months, they were back in debt because - even though they had been delivered - they never learned to manage their money.
So the second time, they worked their way out of debt and learned money-management skills in the meantime.
....
Once again, the Lord is reminding me that I am in the process. He will not miraculously deliver me, and I'm okay with that.
I'm learning the value of daily, consistent actions. Get in the word. Wash a dish right after I use it. Fold clothes as soon as they come out of the dryer. Pick out clothes and pack lunches the night before. Take vitamins. Shower. Exercise. Be deliberate about scheduling snuggle time and loving on my family. Train the dog. Wipe down the bathrooms. Vacuum. Answer emails and texts. Stay in the budget.
These things felt so difficult just a few weeks ago. Now they are my sanity.
I have been too much warrior, and not enough patience. Too much conquering, and not enough self-control.
So I'm in the process. And I'll submit to the process. And I'm okay that He won't deliver me miraculously.
It's okay that He won't move the mountain. He's developing strength and discipline in my life so that, maybe someday, I'll climb over the mountain.
And I'm okay with that, for now.