inventory nightmare
okay... so feel like writing a bit more now... I don't know why I suddenly get on these kicks to write in this thing... and then forget about it for months. Sounds like every part of my life...
So here's what happened today:
Brandon and I had to go to pre-marital counseling. We had to take a test... an "inventory" as they like to call it.
"Do you feel your partner criticizes you?"
"Strongly Disagree: Disagree: Undecided: Agree: Strongly Agree"
"Agree"
Wouldn't ya know it!?!? Brandon decided to glance at my answer.
It hurt his feelings... or made him mad... or something... I'm never quite sure what emotion he's feeling when he withdraws from me and won't talk... I guess he's just thinking.
I wish I could give him an explanation.
I feel like he criticizes me. I feel like he puts me down sometimes.
But does he really? I have a bad habit of thinking that I know what people are thinking. For instance... I see a girl in the mall... she's thin.. she looks at me...
"She must think I'm fat... How could she think that?? What a jerk! I hope she trips over her own size-5 feet in the middle of the mall."
Isn't that terrible?? I know.. I know... I KNOW.
But sometimes that's how my mind works.
So I wonder if I put thoughts in Brandon's mind... in my own mind..
That doesn't make sense.
Does anyone understand?? He tells me I'm beautiful all the time. He tells me more times than I can count that he loves me. What more do I want?
I'm so unbearable. He says one negative thing. He says one HONEST statement. He simply answers my question. And I don't ever forget it!!!
I'm such a dork.
But he doesn't realize... I go try on clothes with my size-6 best friend. I'M MORE THAN TWICE HER SIZE! My co-worker is always telling me about all the hot guys that are in love with her... and her modeling career. I had to have an already-enormous dress let out so I can fit into it for my WEDDING DAY. I will NEVER find a swimsuit that covers my rolls. I constantly compare myself to his size-10 mom and size-2 sister. (Small women run in his family.) He just doesn't get it.
I know I'm not perfect. I know that NOBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD will ever think I'm perfect. I don't care about that....
But I want him to think I'm perfect.
I know... I'm a dork.
I don't want him to just be okay with my body. When I talk about my fat rolls, I don't want him to just say, "I don't mind."
I want him to tell me he LOVES every part... that he couldn't stand to marry a size-2 woman... that he likes the fact that I have curves... that he wouldn't change a thing about me... or my body.
Do you know what I've noticed? When he tells me how beautiful I am... he always is looking at my face.
Okay.. so I know that's REALLY dorky. But it's not like I'll ever tell him ALL that. But I can feel that way right now w/o anybody knowing.
Ya know, maybe I'm crazy, but I think I can wish for that without guilt.
I mean... I think he's perfect. REALLY... I DO. I wouldn't change anything about him. I love the fact that he's big... not fat... but... big... strong... tall...
I love the fact that I feel sheltered and protected when I'm near him... I REALLY don't think I would feel that way if I were next to some lean... boney... all-muscle guy. I honestly love EVERY part of him. I'm not just okay with it. It's not that I simply "don't mind" his body. I really love it.
So I don't think it's that much to expect the same from him.
But then again... he may give the same... and I am just putting thoughts in his head.
He'll be my husband. There's nothing I can do to hide my flaws.
I think the hormones in this birth control are getting the best of me.
I'm getting married; I'm happy.