another sleepless night
So... Brandon is fine with getting a maid. I cannot tell you what a relief this is. It makes me want to cry I am so happy.
Max is gone... and happy. I'm getting a maid. School is starting back. Life is good again.
If I could only get some sleep...
Twice this week I have lain in bed staring at the clock as it turns 3:30am, then 4:00am. Last night, I almost made it till 5:00am. At 4:50am I said, "If I'm still awake at 5 o'clock I will just go ahead and get up." I never saw 5.
Around 4am I almost fell asleep, but I woke myself up crying. Then I cried for almost 1/2 hour. Poor Brandon. I woke him up. He is so sweet to me. I can't imagine life without him. He just rolled over to me and said, "Honey, what's wrong?"
"I can't sleep."
"You can't sleep?"
"I've been awake for the last three hours!"
"Oh, honey, I'm sorry."
Then he put his arms around me and pulled me close to him. I cried some more. He fell back to sleep. It was an oddly wonderful bonding time. After he took his shower, he came in and woke me up this morning. Kissed me on the cheek and whispered, "Time to get up.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Somehow, during my 1/2 hour cry time, I felt the Holy Spirit more closely than I have felt Him in a long time. Like He was there with me crying, comforting, soothing. I was so frustrated physically, yet I somehow knew He was doing something in my spirit.
I have experienced this before. Several times. I mean, not the whole staying up at night crying at 4am stuff... but the feeling that God is doing something in my Spirit, and my mind just can't grasp it. Then... always... at some point... something happens... somebody says something... and it "clicks" in my brain. I say, "Oooooh, that is what You have been ministering in me, Lord. Now I understand."
So I can't help but think about the upcoming Starlite! retreat. Maybe all this physically-exhausting sleeplessness, and spiritual activity, is a way of preparing me for that ministry time.
We'll see. In God's time, we'll see.
Jesus, please help me sleep through the night tonight.