The fight
What a weekend!
So, I suppose the weekend started at 5:30pm on Friday. B had already headed up to N.GA for the camping trip, and I was to follow behind as soon as I got off work.
Only, when I got home, the dog had not been taken to his parent's house, the food had not been packed, the cooler had not been iced. *aarg* He had put the clothes in the dryer, and I am glad for that. But I was FURIOUS. He called me as I was leaving town around 8pm.
I yelled at him. "YOU DIDN'T HELP ME WITH ANYTHING. YOU DIDN'T.... AND I NEEDED... AND I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU...."
Turns out, I was on speaker phone.
Crap.
Then there were two little girls there - a 6-month old and a 15-month old - they were sooo sweet. And they loved B! And I thought, "Oh, I want a baby. I want one so bady. But not now. I don't want to bring a baby into THIS marriage. He's not even responsible enough to take the dog to his mom's. How would I ever expect him to take care of our child?"
Anyways, so that was over, but for some reason it stirred something inside of me. It was, as they say, the straw that broke the camel's back. It was another bit of evidence that he no longer wanted to be married... that he would be more content without the responsibility of a family.
I have asked him... several times... over the last few months.
"Are you glad we're married?"
"Do you regret getting married so young?"
"Do wish you were still a bachelor?"
"Do you still love me?"
To which he would respond with a simple yes or no and then turn over to go to sleep.
Ouch.
And so I thought it was me... and it probably was. I cooked more dinners. I cleaned more house. I tried to be more quiet... more demure. If he did something wrong, I would mention it, maybe even fuss a bit... but then I would bite my tongue and do it myself. I became less of who I am, and more of who I thought he wanted to me to be. I never talked about the things of God, because I thought it intimidated him. I was embarrased of my strength. And I felt like I was not feminine enough. I tried my best... and still... I was left alone... fighting once again... on Friday evening.
And this continued all weekend. I was in constant competition with his friends. I tried to be sweet, and jolly, and funny. Then I tried to be independent... "maybe I am too needy, and that is why he acts this way." Heh. And still, he was cold.
He has been cold towards me for a while. I even got the feeling that sex was more of an animal physical need, rather than a desire for love or intimacy.
I felt ugly, and fat. And when I asked him what I could do to make this a better marriage, he said, "Excersize."
Ouch.
And then, the book. Captivating, by John Eldridge. I read part of it Saturday... only the first 100 pages or so.
I am beautiful. I am worthy of attention. God created Eve as the pinnacle of creation - the perfect finishing touch. And in her He put all that is beautiful. He put the desires - the same desires He has - not only to seek but to be sought after. He put in her His STRENGTH. When he said to Adam, "Here is your 'helper.'" The term Helper is the same term used when God says, "Israel, I am your Helper." It means sustainer, lifesaver, and maybe even life-giver. And yet, I am not sought after. And I am made to feel weak... not at all like a sustainer or lifegiver. I deserve - and God desires - better for me than what I have.
And so, the thoughts that I have been fighting for months, came pouring forth.
It's not too late. We don't have kids yet. Only WE would be effected. It's not too late to end it now.
And I drafted a letter in my mind. I would ask him to sleep elsewhere for a couple nights, while I perfected the letter. I would give him the letter, and his response would determine our future.
That was the plan.
But God was not in it.
And I knew it.
We had been driving home for about 15 minutes when I said...
"I want you to stay at A's house tonight."
"What?!"
"I want you to go stay with A."
"Why?!"
"I have some things I need to think about, and you can't be there."
"Can I at least sleep on the couch in my room?"
"No."
A few minutes later.
me - "So are you going to stay at A's?"
him - "No."
"Yes, you are."
"No, I'm not."
"Why not?"
"Because it's my house."
And then more silence - for an hour and a half. He went to sleep.
Finally, I pulled over. It's his turn to drive. At 3pm on Saturday, I finally asked.
"Don't you even want to know why I want you to stay at A's?"
"I figured you would tell me if you wanted me to know."
"You are so passive, B."
*silence*
And finally... I'm not even sure how... we started talking.
I'm not even sure what was said there in the beginning. I know I told him this...
I grew up feeling like I could never earn my dad's love. If I had been a boy... if I had been good at sports... if I had continued playing sports despit the fact that I wasn't any good... if I had been more like the females in his family... if I could cook better... then maybe... MAYBE... he would love me.
But no.
I was in art, and drama, and music. And he was not. I was left, many times, standing on the stage, looking into the audience for my dad. And he was not there. He was off with his friends, and his new family.
I sat at the back door with my bags packed. But he never showed. He was with his new girlfriend.
And I was not good enough.
And I SWORE I would not feel this way the rest of my life. And I SWORE my daughter would never feel like this.
Yet, here I am, thinking "if I were more like this... or if I could just be that... maybe... MAYBE... B would love me."
Yet day after day, I stay, stranded at home... emotionally and physically.
And it is no longer okay.
Because I am beautiful. And I am worthy of love. And I refuse to be less of what God created me to be just so you will love me.
I have been down that road. And it doesn't work. And you still won't love me. And I still won't be enough.
He was silent.
"B! Say something!"
"You knew I was passive when you married me."
"Yes, I knew. But if there was ever a time to fight, it is now! I NEED you to FIGHT for this marriage!"
And finally... after much time... he broke...
"It was so hard in TN. I had to quit school and work at Staples. And you yelled a lot. And it was too much. Then, for a few weeks, I was in Athens, just working... without a wife... and it was so nice..."
me "And then I came home."
him "yeah. And so I put walls up. If I don't respond to you... either positive or negative... then your yelling, and our financial problems, and all that couldn't get to me. So I quit fighting."
And I couldn't take any more. I lost it. I sobbed uncontrollably. It was everything I had feared.
"I TOLD YOU!!! I TOLD YOU BEFORE WE EVER STARTED THIS THING!!! I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT TO GET MARRIED! I TOLD YOU I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE MEN HAPPY. I TOLD YOU ALL MEN GIVE UP ON ME!! I TOLD YOU!!! DID YOU THINK I WAS LYING?????!!! DID YOU THINK I WAS MAKING IT UP??!!! I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!! AND YOU SAID IT WOULDN'T!!! AND I BELIEVED YOU!!!! BUT I TOLD YOU MEN GIVE UP ON ME!!! AND I TOLD YOU IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE WHAT MEN WANT!!!!!"
He said, "I just thought we could make it like this until we got through college. I thought once we started working, and getting money, and having kids..."
"Kids!!! You think I'm going to bring kids into this thing???? I grew up with a dad like you, who was emotionally unavailable and distant. You think I'm going to bring a daughter into this world to experience that???!!! You can think again!!!"
him - "I know, I know. I just thought if we could make it through college, through all this stress, then I would start..."
me - "There is always going to be stress. You can't quit every time things get hard."
him - "I know. I know."
*silence"
He reached over and took my hand.
That was the first time in months.
him - "I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have thought that way. I DO love you. And I know I don't say it enough, but you are beautiful. And it has nothing to do with the way you look. It's just who you are. And no matter how much weight you gain or lose, that won't change. The reason I want you to be more active is for our future. I want you to be able to play with the kids. I want us to go on camping trips, and play games, and do stuff with the kids. I don't want you to be like..."
me- "... like my aunt R."
"Yeah. I'm sorry. It's going to be different."
I wanted to believe him... I still want to believe him. But it sounded a lot like what my dad used to say... "I'm sorry, princess. I just... excuses excuses... but you know I love you, don't you? Because I do. I love you."
Bullshit.
I was still left alone on stage the next time.
And here was my husband... the only man I want approval from... saying, "I'm so sorry... it's just that... excuses excuses... but I love you. And it won't happen again."
I'm not ready to give up on us. And last night, after the 2-hour fight, was amazing. And things have seemed to change.
And walls are coming down.
And I do feel like I have the old B back... the one I fell in love with.
And so here I am today. I'm so amazed that it wasn't until I learned to love myself that I demanded love from him. And it worked!
I half expected him to say, "You're such an emotional basket case. You're not worth it. Fine, it's over."
But he didn't. And he is still willing to fight for us.
And that is what matters.
In our office devotional this morning, my boss said, "You can pray for a good marriage, and you may get it. But you probably won't be able to keep it. But if you pray for the glory of God - the very Presence of God - to be in your marriage, it will last. God's presence is what makes the difference."
And so now that the walls (or at least some of them) are down, it is time to invite God's presence in.
And, ironically enough, it is the attacks of Satan that I feel will bring us together. How's that for a punch in the face, Satan??? hehe. I told Brandon during the fight, "I told you a few days ago that I had been under spiritual attack for weeks, and you said, 'okay.' Fight for me!!! I need you to fight for me!!!"
And I think he will. And I think that is how we will grow spiritually - together.
Hm.
So the fight wasn't fun. But the outcome is amazing.
He still will have to earn my trust back. And I'm still not positive that I am enough of what I should be to keep him.
But I'm going to buy that book this week.
And I know now that I am worth loving.
And I know (or at least I know I should know) that if he can't see that, then it's not my fault.
And I know that God is in this marriage.
And so the future seems a little less bleak.
And today seems a whole lot lighter.