Random Thoughts
*brrrr* It got cold outside today.
I woke up this morning to a pleasantly warm breeze and a beautifully vibrant sky. I was so looking forward to what the day would bring.
Now, it is cold and overcast and windy.
Something about the change in the season always makes me pensive. Change is inevitable, I do realize that. And most of the time, I look forward to it. It is the change in our lives that makes us strong, right?
Somebody once told me, "Ten years from now, you will be the same person you are today, except for the books you read and the people you meet."
Hm. Then I ask myself, "Who are the new people you have met recently?"
Since coming to Athens... none.
Hm.
I don't want to be the same person in 10 years.
Got any books you recommend? eh?
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I cleaned my office this morning in preparation for the commercial guru (see previous entry). Then, walking in from lunch, I realized how invigorating it is to have a clean desk. I don't feel quite so smothered by all the work, and I am quite energized by the sight of the stapler that was lost in the stacks of unfiled paperwork.
I realize, somewhere in my subconscious, that it is all just hiding (rather neatly, I might add) under my desk. But the fact that I can no longer see it brings joy to my soul! hehe.
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This time of the month is always bittersweet for me. I start my "monthly" any day now, and the same emotions roll around every month about this time.
No. I don't mean PMS, although she is rearing her ugly head full force through the two HUGE zits on my forehead. My husband also greeted her last night as I snapped him for breathing too loudly. =) God bless him for putting up with her.
No, this is quite different. And it has everything to do with my biological clock.
You see, my period is never very regular. I mean, it's not far off the mark, but never quite there. One month it will be a 28 day cycle. The next month, 31 days. The month after that, 29. So I'm never exactly sure when Aunt Flow will show.
So here I am, going on 30 days, and my heart begins to beat a little faster. "Could I be pregnant?"
And with that question - a whole flood of emotions.
"God I hope I am! How wonderful would it be to have a little life inside of me?"
Then...
"Where will we put it when it comes? We don't have room!"
Next...
"I can just see B with little B, Jr. He is going to be such a wonderful father."
"PLEASE don't let me be pregnant! We can't afford it! And our insurance won't cover it!"
"But if we were preggo, then it would be God's timing, and He would take care of us."
"I would be due in 9 months. I could still finish spring semester, take a semester off, and graduate the following year."
"We can't afford for me to quit work, and I've never wanted to be one of those moms that drops her infant off at daycare."
"What would we name him/her?"
"How would we feed him/her?"
"Who would she look like?"
"I have no idea how to raise him!"
...
Do you see what I mean? It's madness, I tell you! Madness!
Then, inevitably, Ruby Red will finally arrive, and then comes another flood of emotions...
"That's okay. I didn't want a baby right now anyways."
"Maybe I should talk to B about starting our family. I didn't realize how much I wanted one until now."
"Oh! Thank God! There was no way we would have been able to afford one!"
And the beat goes on....
And then, during the rest of the month, I am practical and pragmatic. I have my five-year plan and all my goals.
A baby is not an option during those weeks.
But there is something about this time of the month.
Bittersweet. That is the only term.
So here I sit, anticipating... something. 30 days. *sigh* I have gone as long as 35 days before.
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*OOOUUUUUCCCCCHHHHHH*
I just put some of that "germ-x" stuff on my hands. You know, the hand sanitizer stuff that "kills 99.9% of germs" and is composed of 99.9% alcohol?
I didn't realize how many papercuts I had on my hands from filing this morning.
Good Lord!
If I pass out from the pain, don't worry. It will only make me stronger, right? *wimper*
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Okay... I'm really running out of things to say. I think I am going to post some lyrics to my songs. Yup. Here goes...