Manipulation
Such stress. Lord, please let us write this policy.
I hate manipulation. I hate people who are less than honest in an attempt to "be nice."
*grrrr*
My mother in law (MIL) called last week to see if we could do pictures for a Christmas card. I said that this would be a really bad weekend because we had a wedding to go to on Saturday, and we needed to spend most of the day Sunday studying.
She wasn't buying it. It had to be this weekend. "It won't take long, just a couple pictures."
*fine*
Well, it wasn't just a couple pictures. It was lunch after church, waiting at the park, several pictures... you get the idea.
We got home around 5pm.
I didn't get to use the computer as much as I needed to.
B had to skip class yesterday to finish a paper that he had planned to finish Sunday.
*sigh*
So my mom calls this morning, "Do you want to go to lunch?"
Sure! I love going to lunch with my mom!
We went to Marti's... one of my favorite little sandwich shops... another local jewel so typical of Athens.
I should have known better.
Then in the middle of lunch, "We want to do a Christmas picture. When do you guys have free time?"
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! *geez* The competition is endless.
"We have no free time right now. Can you wait until after school is out?"
"No, that will be too late."
And of course, I can't say 'no' to her because I didn't say 'no' to MIL.
She asks, "When does B have a day off? Because we could all just meet at my house on your lunch break."
"Mom, B doesn't have a day off. He works Monday through Saturday."
Then... inspiration hit me...
"Hey! Why don't we do it at the family get-together tomorrow night? We'll all be dressed up, all together. That's a great idea!"
The reply: "Well, I can't really think about where we would take it. And there will be so many people there. And it will already be dark outside."
My quick reflexes saved me: "What about in front of the fireplace? Grandmother always has it decorated nicely. There will be a fire behind us. It will be pretty."
But she's good: "Yeah, but it will be the end of the day, and we will all not look as good by that point."
Silence. I was trying my darndest to find a response. But just when I was thinking... "Well, there is a bathroom there, and we can all go freshen up, which might be nice anyways..."
*doh* I didn't speak up fast enough. Mom must have seen that her "logic" tactics weren't working on me...
... so she turns to old faithful...
...manipulation...
"I guess we can just use the pictures we took at Georgia Day. I mean, we usually take these pictures when we celebrate my birthday. But we didn't go out for my birthday this year... because you were too busy..."
I said nothing, so she plowed ahead...
"... and we didn't go out for N's birthday either...because you were too busy. So we just haven't had a chance to take them this year..."
...and, for the sake of repetition, she ends with "... because you were too busy."
*garsh*
She always gets me with the guilt trip.
I can't think fast when she does that. If I could, I would have said...
Forgive me for not taking the time to go out to dinner with you...
I mean, with all the free time I have... between working 30 hours a week, taking 18 hours of classes, volunteering 3-5 hours a week at the church, spending 3-5 hours a week doing homework... I certainly could have scheduled an evening or TWO for your birthday.
And I realize that the time and money that I spent MAKING a flower arrangement for your dining room as your birthday present probably doesn't count for much, but I was hoping you might understand that it was a lot of effort on my part.
And I am terribly sorry about N's birthday too. I mean, the entire day I spent at "Georgia Day" taking pictures and following him around probably doesn't mean that much to either of you. But it was difficult for me to take that time off work, and I'm sure a birthday card would have made all the difference in the world to him. You're right, I'm wrong.
But I can't think that fast.
And so she *suddenly* had a great idea. Although, I hypothesize that this "idea" was her original goal from the beginning.
"HEY! I HAVE A GREAT IDEA! What time do you have to be at your dad's tomorrow?"
Here we go. I should have lied, "5am."
"12:30pm is when we eat."
"Great! Why don't you run by my house on your way, and we'll just take a few pictures there!"
Now, you have to understand. Her house is not "on our way." It is on the other side of town, and about a 20 minute drive, one way.
Total mental blank. I had no response.
"Sure, that sounds good."
I mean, I very well couldn't say, "Mom, that's one less hour of precious sleep for us, one less our of spending some 'alone' time together, one less hour that I have to finish my cooking and get ready."
And I certainly couldn't say what I was *really* thinking, "Mom, this is just another ploy to make us late for dad's. I honestly don't think you do it intentionally, but somewhere in your subconscious, you always find a way to delay us or even prevent us from going to dad's. The trick is getting old."
So the plans were set. Then I get back to work, and she calls me, "We're changing our plans. Everybody is going to meet at the arches downtown to take the pictures. That's closer to your house anyways; so it won't be so far out of the way."
I should give her the benefit of the doubt here. Really. I'm sure she has good intentions.
Me: "What about parking? That is always a pain downtown."
Her: "It shouldn't be that busy on Thanksgiving. Most places will be closed."
Me: Okay.
Her: We're going to be there at 11:30am. Three poses, three pictures of each pose. That's all, I promise."
That's never "all." I'm too old to fall for that line.
*sigh* I'm going to get there early to see if we can get done any faster.
I don't mean to make my mom sound like one of "those" moms. But the whole conversation at lunch left a really bad taste in my mouth. I hate it. I hate being made to feel guilty for that... especially when she was the one who said, "I really don't want to go out this year. We will just all go out one night and combine my b-day, N's and his girlfriend's. Don't worry! I don't really feel like going out anyways!"
Which leads me to my next point...
MIL emailed me asking for Christmas lists from me and B.
Let me start off by saying that I hate sending people Christmas lists. I love ANY gift... REALLY! She and I have very similar tastes, and I always love being surprised by what she gets me! I did happen to have this list made up because B is not so lucky in the gift-giving department, and I was attempting to push him in the right direction.
Anyways, I forward her our lists, adding that I also need lists from her, FIL, and SIL.
She replies, "Its really not necessary to get us anything. We know you guys have a large family and like us, small budget. Just your presence is plenty for us."
Okay, I know. This *seems* really sweet. But I also know that there have been years (when we were dating) that B spent more on me than he did on her... and she pitched a hissy fit. If B gets his dad a *good* present for his bday, and not a *good* one for his mom... God help us all.
I've seen it happen.
So that is why I want to SCREAM when she says, "Your presence is enough for us."
Plus, does she even think to consider how uncomfortable it will be for me and B... sitting there opening the hundred's of dollars worth of gifts that they give us... and saying, "our presence is enough. So we didn't get you anything."
Do you see why I am beginning to HATE Christmas? Do you see why Thanksgiving is so much better?
Christmas has become competitions, and manipulation, and stress, and anger.
Isn't it SUPPOSE to be about celebrating the birth of our Savior?
*aaaaaarg*
So we will do the best we can shopping for B's family.
And should I talk with mom about how *upsetting* the whole manipulation thing is?
No.
Then she'll make me feel bad for getting angry with her about making me feel bad for getting angry with her about making me feel bad for getting angry... it's a never-ending cycle.
So, like always, I will grin and bear it and pretend that I'm having a good time.
I was so looking forward to tomorrow. God, please don't let us be late to my dad's because of this whole picture thing.
I suppose for those of you not from a divorced family, I should discuss the politics of being late to dad's because mom wants to take pictures...
... but the thought of it exhausts me right now.
I have to go finish this policy.
I think I'm going to go remember some things that I am thankful for.