My husband
I feel like I should write an entry about my husband today.
There is so much going on there - with him - I'm not really sure where to start.
We had a great weekend. I guess I will start there.
Well, Friday night was good. He went to the Braves game... I stayed home and hung out with SS... it was a REALLY good night with her, and I'm glad we did it.
Saturday night B and I celebrated our three year anniversary. We went out to eat at Johnny Carino's and then drove to Atl. for an awesome round of miniature golf! *woot*
I honestly cannot remember the last time we had so much fun! We flirted and laughed and really had a fun fun fun time.
I was so grateful. That was my prayer the whole day leading up to our date - "Lord, please just let us have fun. We NEED some fun together."
So, speaking strictly from the outer relationship angle, we are doing much better. Not nearly as many fights, more romance, more laughter, more fun.
But, then there is another side - a deeper side - that is lacking.
I haven't shared much about this because, basically, it is still in development.
But the Lord has been dealing with me about my role in our spiritual relationship, and speaking to me about where B is at.
I shared with you before that he is in some type of bondage.
*sigh*
Sorry... I'm having some trouble knowing where to start this topic.
I guess, let me go back to a couple words that the Lord has given me over the past 18 months.
First of all, I'll remind you of the word He gave me at the first of this year.
To sum it up, He basically said that I was trying to fight B's battles for him. That was making me tired and frustrated. I was not seeing results, and other areas of my life (the battles I was designed to fight) were faltering.
When He spoke this to me, it was in regards to stress and worry.
But He has taken that a step further for me recently. He has made that statement again, regarding my prayer life.
I have been praying a lot recently about what happened back in March. It was prophesied that we were to receive a financial increase in March. We almost did. But then we lost it. Plus some.
It was also about that time that Kari died.
For me, it was all leading up to that, "Even if you deceive me, I would still rather have you" moment.
For B, it was just the beginning, I think.
He has really been struggling with a fear of disappointment.
I will tell him something the Lord said to me, and I will say that I think we should start standing on it. And B will reply, "Well, we've heard something like that before, and it didn't happen. Why should we believe for it now?"
Hm.
Another thing the Lord has spoken to me (spring 2006) was this:
I had just finished praying, "Lord, do whatever it takes to bring him into a personal relationship with you."
And the Lord replied (these were His exact words)"I will rock his world and shake his foundation out from under him."
That was a really scary word for me. I really didn't know what it meant or what the Lord was planning to do.
But since that time, slowly but surely, B's friends have slowly dwindled down, one by one.
Honestly, they were his foundation. His hiding place.
If things were not going well at home, he went over to the bachelor pad. If he needed to talk with someone about a problem, it was AP or BJ that he went to. If he just wanted to chill out and have some fun, they came over to our house.
They were his primary source for almost everything.
Now, they are basically non-existent.
He is having a birthday party Saturday night to which he invited all his friends and their families.
It's looking like only the parents of the friends are coming, and not the friends themselves.
Poor guy.
So, I am telling you all of the past stuff to tell you what has been happening in the last week or so:
First, the Lord has been showing me a new way to pray about these situations. In March, we were both praying for the finances to come in.
They didn't (or, at least that's how it looks).
And our faith was shaken.
But B's was especially shaken because it was the first time (that I know of) where he really took a stand on God's Word. He really believed for the BIG stuff.
And it didn't happen.
And the Lord has been speaking to me about my prayers during that time.
Here is basically what He has been saying:
I should be praying for B, talking to B, and thinking about B AS IF HE WERE ALREADY THE SPIRITUAL HEAD OF OUR HOUSEHOLD.
Meaning, when the Lord speaks to me about something really cool, I need to share it with B regardless of whether or not I think he's interested, BECAUSE if he were the spiritual head of our household, I would AUTOMATICALLY tell him that stuff anyways.
Along the same lines, the Lord has been speaking to me about "gatekeepers" in the home. B and I both have our separate "gates" that we "keep." For example, B is our financial gatekeeper. It is HIS job to determine what stays in our storehouses, and what goes out, and to where it should go. He decides what we accept and don't accept - in a physical sense as well as a spiritual sense (faith).
So, back in March, it wasn't even my job to be praying for the financial increase. Of course, I could stand in faith with B for it. But my primary responsibility was to lift HIM up in prayer and believe that HE would have the FAITH to continue to stand for it.
And the Lord showed me a picture of a tug of war. B and I were at one end and our blessing was at the other. Only, instead of being on the same rope, one behind the other, we were on two different ropes. So the blessing and B and I made more of a triangle than a one-rope tug of war.
But then B let go of his rope, and he fell backwards into a black chasm.
And the Lord said that, while we were both going for the same blessing, we were not supporting each other in the fight.
So when B let go, he had no one to fall back on.
And since this is his "gate" to keep, it is my job to be the one behind him, supporting him in prayer.
My job was not primarily to believe for the blessing, but to pray for B to believe for it. Because, ultimately, HE is the one who can allow it in or choose to dismiss it.
Does that make senses?
Sooo...
Today, I was feeling really discouraged. I was talking with B about our decision to change churches, and he was very negative about the whole thing. He agrees that COTN isn't the right place for us right now. But he is discouraged with the prospect of finding other churches that are just as lacking in the areas we are looking for.
It's like he has given up before we have even started.
And I asked him to go to Daystar with me on Friday night. He said, "Why doesn't SS want to go?" I said, "Well, she might. But I really think you and I should go together, just to get some direction." He said, "I don't want to go." I said, "Why not?" He said, "Because it's church on Friday night."
*sigh*
So, needless to say, I was REALLY discouraged this morning. I know God is doing something awesome in B, and He has given me the grace not to be anxious about it.
But my heart hurts for B. He doesn't know the God that I know. I mean, he knows Him in a distant, mechanical way. Not in that intimate, loving way, ya know?
But (Praise God) SS received a word from the Lord about B. She saw this picture, and typed it to me via aim:
SS: The Lord will not abandon him to a barren land
SS: I don't know if this will make since
SS: but I feel like the Lord is letting Brandon taste unbelief so that he will be done with it when he finds himself empty
SS: Faith is his only option when he knows that unbelief is leaving him unsatisfied
SS: The Lord is calling him to a higher ground in his faith, but he needs to first discover that he has a need to go higher
SS: He will measure him self and find himself lacking.
fellikerain: wow...
SS: Pray over all the above!
She later came in and told me that she saw a picture of a huge net or hammock that B is in. He has been in a free fall and may still feel like he's falling. But at some point, that net's tension will reach a point where it will stop the fall. She said, "The Lord is only going to let him fall so far - just far enough so that B knows that God is his only safety net."
Wow.
I am really encouraged by that word. And at the same time, I feel a very heavy burden for B because I know what that free fall feels like.
He's in a difficult place right now. But thank God that he has a safety net.
...................
In an unrelated note, I feel like I am supposed to start recording my guitar sessions with the Lord. Sometimes I am so consumed by the Spirit that I don't even remember what was said during the session. I remember the general idea, and I remember any pictures that the Lord gives me. But the exact words usually escape me as soon as the session is over.
So I feel like I am supposed to record the sessions. Good stuff. Maybe I will start posting some of the songs here.
What do you think?