Pride, Religiosity, and a Fast
Hello, friends.
I am doing a juice fast from noon today until noon tomorrow.
Blah.
I know I need to do it because I am starting to get in the way of what the Lord is trying to do.
I am trying too hard, ya know?
Using my own strength. Jumping through the hoops and saying all the right words so God will "show up."
How silly is that?
It's pride, really.
And religious thinking.
I'm not walking in condemnation, but I recognized the "symptoms" of a religious spirit last night.
I went to take a bath and pray some.
I wanted to talk with the Lord, and pray about youth tomorrow night (since I am teaching).
And the Lord kept saying, "This isn't about them. It's about you."
or
"This isn't about me. It's about you."
And I wasn't really sure how to take it.
At first, I felt very loved and blessed that the Lord was wanting to focus on me and minister to me.
But then nothing happened.
He didn't say anything.
I didn't feel anything.
And I started praying the "right" prayers to get His Spirit to "move."
Finally, I gave up and read a book that I don't really care about reading.
But
This morning, I have really felt the Spirit ministering to me about last night.
And I think I understand why He said what He said:
"I am trying to do a work in you, but you keep getting in the way."
haha.
Does that make sense?
I feel prideful and a bit like a know-it-all.
And I know this feeling from before.
This is exactly how I felt right before the whole thing happened with Kari, and everything I thought I knew was shattered.
Along the same lines, I had a conversation with SS yesterday about become humble and getting rid of pride.
And she said, "Scripture commands that we humble ourselves before the Lord, NOT that we ask Him to humble us. It is a decision we have to make. You don't want the Lord to humble you because when the Lord humbled Nebuchadnezzar, He turned him into a cow!"
So, after that conversation, and after what happened last night, and after the Lord ministering to me this morning, I have come to this conclusion: I have become way too self-reliant. It's pride and it's a religious spirit.
So I'm fasting today and tomorrow and hoping to figure out how to humble myself.
Does anybody know what I'm talking about?
Maybe I shouldn't even be writing this. Even this seems a little prideful.
I just want to be an empty clean vessel, waiting for the Lord to use me.
I just don't want to get in the way of what He's doing.
I want to go with Him, not against Him.
And I want to go in His power, and not mine.
My righteousness is as filthy rags. Their no good. And using them would only smudge whatever they're trying to clean.
I only want His righteousness and His holiness.
.........
I am teaching youth tomorrow night, and I don't even have a topic yet.
Please be praying for me over the next 24 hours.