A rough evening...
It's 11:30pm.
I'm not even sure why I'm on here.
I really don't have anything to talk about.
Guess I feel lonely tonight.
Jenn came over this afternoon.
She got here at about 2pm and left around 8pm.
I ended up asking her to leave, using the excuse that I needed to put CJ to bed, and sometimes it's difficult when company is over.
The truth - I was bored.
We talked some.
I did most of the talking, I guess. I tried to ask questions to get more conversation started.
But we are just in such different places right now.
We just couldn't connect.
It's okay.
I'm not all that upset about it.
We have been through seasons like this before.
It's an on and off relationship. I'm used to that.
But I need an "on" relationship this week.
I think I'm just really lonely.
B and I have both had a very busy week.
But even when we talk... well... lets just say we're not always on the same wave length.
I told him last night that I want to be a stay-at-home mom. I told him that was my heart. I cried and poured out my heart to him.
I told him I could take the nursery coordinator job at NCWC. It pays around $250/month, and I can do everything from home.
I told him I really want to get my degree online from Phoenix University - even if that meant taking out another student loan.
I said I'm willing to sacrifice almost anything to do this.
Go back to Ramen Noodles 4 nights a week.
I said, we can live with one car. I will get up in the morning and take you to work, and go pick you up in the afternoon.
I said, maybe these aren't the right solutions. But there has to be a solution.
This is my heart. I feel that this is the Lord's heart for us.
So there HAS to be some solution.
His response:
I am being selfish to expect something like that in a time like this.
He would LOVE to have the setup that I have right now. Only working 25 hours a week, and seeing CJ the rest of the time.
We're not in a place for me to expect "that kind of life."
I said, just pray about it before you completely rule it out. I really think the Lord wants to give us some creative solutions to this.
He was mad at me. He said so.
Then he wasn't mad.
I said, we should pray together.
He said he couldn't pray right then - he wouldn't know what to say.
So I prayed.
I'm missing something this week.
I'm missing that "kindred spirit" connection.
Those "peripheral" friends are slowly drifting away, one by one.
My close friends here in Athens are going through their own messes.
I can't blame them, and I certainly want to be able to help them.
And it's not a matter of me always pouring into them, and nobody pouring into me.
It has been that in the past.
But that's not the situation now.
I just need someone to hang out with.
To have fun with.
I don't want drama.
I don't want problems.
I don't want issues.
I just want someone to hang out with. Someone I can talk with about life, and babies, and the things of the Lord, and Oprah, and husbands, and weather, and dream houses, and plans, and schooling.
All and all, I have had a very peaceful day. It was also a very lonely day.
I really miss C.
That's what it is.
Because we can talk about things in our lives and hang out and just be ourselves and not have to have drama or upheaval or deep soul-bearing conversations every time we meet.
I need that.
I'm crying as I type this, and I'm not even sure why.
I just feel so lonely tonight.
This is a difficult place.
During my quiet time tonight, I was very still before the Lord. He lead me to become very quiet. He began to teach me about silencing all the junk going on in my head.
And I think I finally realize why I try to always have noise. If the TV is not on in the background, a radio or CD is. I cannot get in my car and drive down the road without music or a cell phone.
There is always noise. Always some distraction.
But last night, the Lord said, "Don't be distracted."
Then tonight... after sitting in the silence for a long time... I finally realized how lonely I am.
I have not allowed myself to think about it. I have kept busy. I have convinced myself that I am used to it. That it's the way that I like it.
But the truth is that I am very lonely for that soul-connection.
I don't have it with my husband. I will, very soon, in Jesus name.
But it's not there now.
And there is so much drama in the other relationships.
And I seem to get pulled in. No, that's not right. I jump in!
And why? Because it's a connection.
So... the tears have dried up now, and I know it won't always be like this.
Still, it's been a difficult evening.
I'm still tempted to go drown all this out with a big bowl of cereal in front of the TV.
Saturday Night Live is on right now.
But I've been called to be still.
No more running from these emotions and desires.
Only silence... and giving them to the Lord.
I think I will go take a bath now.
And spend a lot of time listening.