Down With Love... of coffee, that is.
I feel like the Lord has given me a new life.
I mean, I know He's given me new life in the Spirit... that happened a long time ago.
But I feel like he has literally given me a new life.
I have always seen myself as a "business woman," but this year the Lord has slowly been changing those desires. Still, I thought that I was "trapped" in this role. I would quit work here, go to school, graduate, and get another job. That was the plan, whether I really liked it or not.
And I don't think I ever really allowed myself to think about whether or not I liked it, because that was the way is had to be. What's the point in pining over it?
But suddenly, I can see how wrong I was.
At one point, I said to B, "I'll sell my car. I'll eat Raman Noodles every night. I'll stop buying clothes. I'll do whatever I have to do to be able to stay home with CJ."
He said, "That's like we're going backwards. We're going from having money to not having money. That doesn't make any sense."
And that night, the Lord reminded me of something that Mrs.DD said to me one time: "God is always a God of increase, and never a God of decrease."
And suddenly I see that in such a clear way. I am overwhelmed by His goodness to me.
I am really about to cry because of how grateful I am.
I have a husband that I am so proud of. He is hearing from the Lord and leading our family in the things of God. He is loving me and putting me and my daughter above anything else in his life (besides God). I can stand aside and say to everyone, "That is my man! Look at him! He's awesome!"
I have a daughter that (in my opinion) is just the best baby in the world. She sleeps all night, is very obedient, laughs a lot, gives lots of "sugar," and calls me "mama"!
I'm being paid to go to school, and I'm studying a subject that I love, and I don't even have to worry about the fact that the major isn't playing a great role in my future.
And now, I have a job that I love with kids for whom I have a driving passion, and I'm getting paid MORE for that than for sitting at a desk in a cramped office all day.
And I didn't do any of it. It's like he laid it all in my lap.
And I just keep thinking, "I didn't do anything to deserve this. I am not 'qualified' to have all this."
I'm just feeling so grateful today.
And on that note, I am making some resolutions.
I feel in my spirit that it is time to get serious...
...about my weight.
I have started three different video diaries, but have not been able to put them up. (There were technical problems with all of them).
So, I think I have decided not to do the video diary.
In all honesty, my motive was to shame myself into dieting because I was afraid of what everyone would think if I posted the first one and hadn't lost any weight by the second one.
But this week, there has been something new happening.
Something has been uncovered that I didn't even know was there - a desire for a more abundant life - and (more importantly) a belief that it is possible.
I'm not even sure how to say what I'm feeling and what has been revealed in my spirit. It will sound super dramatic no matter how I put it; so I guess I just need to say it without worrying about how it sounds.
Until this week, here has been my feelings about weight loss, even though I didn't know this is how I felt:
What's the point?
No matter how much I lose...
...my husband won't love me any more than he does now.
...my daughter won't know the difference because I have been fat her whole life.
...my career prospects will not change.
...nothing in my life will be significantly different, except my weight.
So what's the point?
I really think I reached a point of not caring. I mean, I did care. I cared on a surface level simply because I'm uncomfortable and I can't find any clothes to wear.
But in the long run, down deep, where it really counts, I honestly think I was saying, "What's the point?"
I gave up because I saw no purpose in changing.
It was a form of depression, I think.
Some people can't make themselves get out of bed.
Some people cut themselves.
I stuffed my face and sat on my ass.
Because... again... what's the point?
When I was upset, and alone... I ate like there was no tomorrow.
Because, deep down, I really do think that's how I felt: tomorrow will be the same as today, and today sucked. So what's the point?
If you had asked me a week ago if that's how I felt, I would have said you were crazy and that I was fine.
But I feel like my eyes have been opened this week.
It's one of the reasons I haven't updated a ton... I wasn't sure how to write about this.
There has been a paradigm shift in my attitude towards life.
Sound over dramatic? Maybe it is.
But I really do feel that way.
..............................
So, let's talk logistics!!!
Here are the things that I really want to give up, as a lifestyle:
1.) Caffeine - No more drive-through Starbucks. No more afternoon pick-me-up Coke. Nothing. No more. At first, I thought I would be a strictly "social drinker" because I love going to coffee houses with friends. But now I've decided: keep the friends, skip the caffeine. I'll order caffeine free or just a "steamer" when we go.
2.) All Non-Essential Carbs - I still want to eat sandwiches (on wheat or pumpernickel) and I do enjoy my mom's spaghetti. But no more potato chips, white bread, bread sticks, etc.
3.) Refined sugar - It's just not necessary and does NOTHING to benefit me or my family.
4.) Cereal - I am sticking with one small bowl a day for breakfast, and occasionally in the evenings when I have heartburn (because it's the only thing I can eat that doesn't hurt).
5.) Red Meat - Poultry and pork gives just as much protein, is more tasty, and doesn't clog arteries.
Of course, there will be exceptions to all but #1 on this list. For example: I will have birthday cake at a birthday party. I will eat hot dogs or hamburgers at a cookout. Et cetera.
But as a lifestyle, those things no longer have any place in my day-to-day nutrition.
A few more things that need to change:
1.) More Fruits and Veggies - Just like during the Daniel's Fast, I want most of our meals to be veggie-based. And lots of smoothies! Mmmmmm...
2.) More exercise - I read that when you exercise, your body releases "feel good" hormones. I really want to develop an exercise habit, especially when I'm stressed. No more food for comfort! Exercise for energy!
4.) More water - minimum 64oz each day. Self-explanatory.
3.) More fun!!! - I want to swim, and go to the park, and walk down the street, and play board games, and paint and read. I don't want to eat simply because I'm bored and lonely!
.........................
I realize some of this is extreme. I have avoided most of these statements because I have thought, "I don't want to commit to anything I can't stick to."
But this is not about a diet so I can lose weight.
This is about a lifestyle - a style that I plan to keep for the rest of my life.
I wanted to start on Monday, because, well, it just makes sense to me to start something at the beginning of a week (and a new job).
But the Lord said, "Why not now?"
So, I will.
Right now.
My 1/2 cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee is going in the trash.
It's gone.
So... please be praying for me.
I really feel like the Lord is answering my prayers in so many areas, including this one. I want His heart in this area too.
Hugs and Kisses!