This sucks.
So much on my mind tonight. I can see already that this could turn into another late-night rambling.
Something is seriously... medically... wrong with me.
Looking towards my January doctor's appointment, I have begun to write down any time a "symptom" shows up, and I am AMAZED at how many times throughout the day I have to stop and rest because I feel so weak.
It's not that I'm out of breath or anything... I'm just weak... like, shaking.
I realized that I can't get through my regular routines.
Some days, I am unable to shower, blow my hair dry, and style my hair - one right after the other.
I have to take a shower... then rest... then blow it dry... then rest... then attempt to style it.
Doing more than an hour of housework (today it was only laundry) makes me feel so weak... like when I'm recovering from a stomach virus. I just feel shaky and... I don't know... weak is the only word I know to describe it.
I worked out a couple days ago - for the first time in weeks. Now I remember why.
As soon as I got home from working out (only 30 min. walking) I went to sleep for 3 hours - THAT'S RIGHT, 3 HOURS - becuase it wore me out so much.
I have dark pigmentation on the back of my neck and between my breasts.
I take - minimum - one nap almost every day... usually two. And then I'm usually still ready for bed by 9pm.
And I have what appears to be a HUMP forming on my back between my shoulders.
Then... I started looking at old pictures of myself. The shape of my face has completely changed! I look like a balloon! My face is all puffy; as are my hands and feet.
I am retaining water all the time - my skin feels super-tight.
And I have an almost-constant headache. The headache has been going almost constantly since October, but I just attributed it to stress.
My joints hurt - ankles, knees, hips, back, neck.
I really had no idea how much my quality of life has gone down over the past 6 months.
Really, it has been coming on for 3 years now.
I gained 130 lbs in three years with no major changes to diet or excersize.
Why am I just realizing this NOW?
Why couldn't I have seen it two years ago?
I have really been beating myself up over the past few months.
Why are you so lazy?
Why can't you stop eating?
Your house isn't clean 'cause you can't get your lazy butt off the couch long enough to wash your dishes!
Your daughter prefers EVERYONE over you because you're so freakin' lazy! You NEVER play with her or take her for walks!
I have been PRAYING for the Lord to show me what I need to change - my diet, my sleep, my excersize... ANYTHING!
Towards the end of the summer, I cut out ALL caffein for two months. I started taking a multi-vitamin and a B-12 vitamin every day. I really wanted to change this thing!
But nothing changed. I was still exhausted, and didn't even have the temporary caffein boosts to allow me to do a couple loads of laundry.
That is when my house REALLY fell apart.
Since then, I have started drinking coffee again because the caffein boost allows me to work at least 45 minutes to an hour with some semblance of energy.
Not to mention all the cramping throughout the month and the irregular periods.
I'm super hormonal - weepy one minute, pissy the next, and then almost euphoric the next.
Anyways... I really think I will be devastated if I go to the doctor and she tells me that nothing is wrong.
I went to her in January because of the cramping. I told her about being diagnosed with PCOS; so she did another ultrasound. As you all know, her exact words were, "I'm looking at two healthy ovaries. There isn't one cyst there."
Then she started talking with me about my weight. She wanted me to start eating better and exercising.
I told her that (because I was doing the Daniel's fast) I had been eating nothing but fruit and veggies, but that I had not lost ANY weight, while my husband had lost 15 lbs.
She just said that she wanted to test me to make sure I didn't have diabetes - because most people my size get it - and that's it.
I never went back for the test.
Honestly, I was a little bit turned off.
The cramping continued, but I didn't think much more about it.
I have been researching more about the different medical stuff that could be causing this.
Honestly, Cushings seems like the most likely candidate.
I don't know.
I just want them to find SOMETHING so they can know how to FIX it, ya know?
It's not that I WANT to be sick... I just want to KNOW that I'm not crazy.
I asked B if he thought I was just being a hypochondriac.
He said, "No, you're really different than you used to be."
My mom said the same thing. She said, "Well, even if it's not this Cushings thing, SOMETHING is going on to cause all this."
Apparently, everyone around me saw the changes, but nobody said anything.
I guess B has said some stuff all along.... the same stuff I say to myself.
"You're home all day, what have you been DOING?"
"Why are you so tired? You have no reason to be!"
"Why are you so serious all the time? It's like you can't take a joke any more."
And he's right.
And I know he is.
And so I try to change.
But then I have a day like today, where 45 minutes of doing laundry wears me out.
And I have no explanation.
What have I been doing? Lying on the couch.
Why am I so tired? I have no idea.
Why can't I take a joke? BECAUSE I'M SO FREAKIN' TIRED!
Of course, it's not everyday.
I do have days like last Friday. I shopped all day and still came home and took care of the house.
But then on Saturday I felt like an 82-year-old lady. My feet and joints and back hurt so badly I could hardly stand up without groaning.
Gosh.
I'm really not trying to complain.
I'm just trying to convince myself that this is a PHYSICAL problem... a MEDICAL problem... and not just all in my head.
Honestly, that is the most difficult part. Until I have the insurance... and then the tests... and then the results from the tests... I have no proof that anything is wrong with me other than being just plain lazy.
I have been on a Cushing Support Group website over the past couple days. There are several testimonies on there of people who had Cushing for 10 and 15 years but were never diagnosed. They thought the same thing - that they were crazy! The doctors just told them to start eating better and get off the couch. Most of them diagnosed themselves and then went to an endocronologist to get the "official" tests to confirm their self-given diagnosis.
Reading their stories encourages me SO MUCH. I mean, even if I don't have Cushings and it's just a hormone imbalance, to know that other people have felt the way I feel - with my symptoms, my weight, my body type, my energy level, and my thought processes - is SO relieving. It helps me convince myself that I'm not crazy.
But then there is the down side to reading those bios. Because the diagnosis took so long, a lot of them ended up being left by their spouses. Some admit that they drove their spouses away with their crazy hormonal swings. Others simply say that their spouses thought they were hypochondriacs and were tired of hearing them complain so much.
Either way, they were left alone to deal with this thing.
And that just sucks.
I am trying to be really open - but really positive - with B. Now that I am going to a doctor for this stuff, he doesn't just think I'm being lazy any more.
I haven't told anybody about my weakness (including him) because I just thought it was all part of being fat.
But now I realize it could be muscle atrophe - another symptom of these pituitary and adrenal disorders.
So I told him. "I did 4 loads of laundry today... but then I started feeling really weak and shaky... so I had to sit down."
And he seems to understand that more than me just saying, "I was too tired to do too much house work."
Anyways. Whatever. I just REALLY want to get tested. And I REALLY want to know that something is going on... and that it's repairable, ya know?
Damn. This sucks.
Anyways.
I have been really discouraged over the past couple days. I do feel very lonely. And I don't really want to talk with anybody about it because it just sounds like I'm being fat and lazy.
And maybe I am.
Damn. I don't know.
I need to get my worship music out tommorrow and get my praise on.
Because that's the only time I don't feel like I'm going out of my mind.
Ok.
I'm finished rambling.
I'm excited about the holidays... and the vacations after the holidays.
*woo hoo*
Seriously, I am SO looking forward to all that.
For tonight, I'm going to drink another glass of water, enjoy my Christmas tree lights, and dose off on the couch until my hubby (who is studying hard) is ready for bed.