Day 26: Here we go again?
So I'm still hovering around 260. It has been almost a month, and I have not lost one significant pound. But my body is just healing so slowly. So, up until this point, exercise has been nigh impossible.
Tomorrow I am going to start doing some power-walking around the property because I think I'm finally capable of doing that one little thing.
I have been RELIGIOUSLY medicating and cleaning my episiotomy, and it is finally starting to show some improvement.
But... other things are happening that I am becoming increasingly concerned about.
I am SO VERY exhausted in the mornings that I can hardly open my eyes - even after a couple cups of coffee. I realize this is normal for a new mom who is breastfeeding around the clock. But that's not the part that concerns me.
What bothers me is what is happening in the evenings. Around the same time every evening, I start to feel a growing uneasiness.
I bite my lower lip, as if nervous about something. I start to feel weepy/angry/guilty/apprehensive all at the same time. Until tonight, I have spent my evenings wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did that day to make myself so uneasy in the evening.
"I snapped at B. Is that why I feel guilty?"
"I didn't get the laundry finished. Is that why I feel nervous?"
"I have to breastfeed tonight. Is that why I feel apprehensive?"
Then a few nights ago, I thought I saw something move across my floor. It was nothing. Just my eyes playing tricks on me.
That's when I realized: these are the EXACT symptoms I was having before I saw Dr.Z.
The only difference is that, back in the day, I felt this way all the time. Nervous, angry, and even panicky (like being frightened about things that weren't there).
Now, it's only in the evenings. So, for that, I'm grateful. I don't think I could manage these symptoms around the clock.
Still, I'm discouraged that they are returning. I had NO symptoms during my pregnancy, and I was really hoping that they were gone for good.
But it is possible that the stress of the delivery (and the near panic attacks that came for the couple weeks afterwards) could have jump-started the problems again.
I plan on calling Dr.Z one evening this week to see if he would be willing to treat me from overseas. Since I have seen him before, all he would have to do is provide the same meds I had before.
One problem: I am breastfeeding. From what I have read online, I cannot take the HCG supplement or do the extremely restrictive diet while breastfeeding.
First, there is a risk that my milk could dry up with the little food that I would be eating. But with the vitamin supplements that he has me on, that is highly unlikely.
A higher risk actually comes from losing the weight so quickly. Fat stores toxins. So when the fat is lost, the toxins are released into my body... and into my breast milk.
So I have to decide if it's worth it. My plan was to never bottle feed M. I wanted to breastfeed straight through the first year (as recommended by the APA).
There were several reasons I wanted to do this:
1. She is a great (read: easy) eater, and it would simply be easier than having to prepare bottles (especially as often as we travel).
2. Formula costs an arm and a leg over here, and I can't read any of the labels to see which one I should pick.
3. It's healthier for her, apparently. (Although I know many healthy babies who are strictly bottle-fed; plus, she already got the "liquid gold" colostrum.)
But is it worth it? Should I wait (and waste) yet another year of my life with this awful, awful hormone imbalance? Will I be able to lose weight? If it's anything like before, I will likely gain weight.
Tonight I re-read the toll that elevated cortisol takes on the body: muscle fatigue, joint stiffness, abnormal weight gain, sleep deprivation, heart strain, insulin resistance, Type 2 diabetes, adrenaline fatigue, and infertility.
I am already feeling achy all over my body. Until a couple nights ago (when I realized that these symptoms were returning) I attributed my soreness to the delivery. But it's been almost five weeks. While my episiotomy is still healing, there is no reason for my muscles and joints to be still aching from it.
And as I read the list of risks (especially the Type 2 - meaning, irreversible - diabetes) I find myself asking: Which risk should I take? Compromising my daughter's health by cutting her breastfeeding early, or compromising my own health by not doing the treatment for yet another year (making it 7 years total)?
And it seems almost plain as day that I should stop breastfeeding and start the treatment. Because, as I said, there are many, many healthy, thriving bottle-fed babies. She has already had the colostrum and (by the time I start the treatment) two months of milk.
It seems MORE important for her health and development (and for CJ's health and development... and for my marriage's health and development) that I am energetic and well.
I had a very few days of that right after my parent's left. I loved it. It felt SO GOOD to FINALLY feel like a young, healthy mom.
So... yeah... I haven't made any decisions yet; though I'm pretty sure I know which way I am leaning.
I think I will email some people close to me to get advice, and then also call the doctor.
There is one other option that I might try...
I might try to live a completely healthy lifestyle for a couple months and see what happens. That would mean completely cutting caffeine since it affects the adrenaline levels. It would also mean cutting out most (if not all) fatty foods and starches. I would basically go on an all meat-and-veggies fast. No carbs, no starches, no sweets.
After a couple months of doing this, if I don't see any improvement, then I could start the HCG again.
But that's potentially two healthy months lost. And, what selfishly bothers me more, it's a potential 40 pounds of weight-loss down the tube.
But I suppose I waiting two months will also give my daughter two more months of breast milk.
Sheesh.
I'm going to continue praying about it. I know what I WANT to do. But I want to make sure it's the right thing for me, my daughter, and my family.