Stupid Eve with her stupid sin that brought stupid sickness which forces us into stupid decision. Stupidheads.
I totally broke down last night about this whole hormonal thing.
I feel it creeping up on me, getting worse every day.
At least I still feel ok for some part of the day. So I'm able to keep my house up and cook dinner every day. I just pray that this hormonal craziness won't take over those few hours of my day too.
So I broke down last night - sobbing. It's not fair. A mom shouldn't have to choose between feeding her child and caring for herself.
And the thing is, all those reasons I listed for breastfeeding aren't even the real reasons that I hesitate...
The fact is that I LOVE breastfeeding. I love the connection, the intimacy that it gives me with my daughter. I love that, a few times throughout the day, all I have to do is sit and watch her while she eats. It gives me a break. It forces me to simply sit and enjoy being a mom. It allows me to cuddle with her and comfort her without apologies. For a few brief moments, I am connected to her. She is a part of me. It's the closest thing I'll ever have to feeling her inside my womb again.
With CJ, I could only breastfeed for 4 months because of my work schedule. I started only feeding her in the morning and at night, but she wanted nothing of it by the time she was 4 months old. She had become too used to the bottle.
I didn't want that with M. I'm a SAHM, and I know I can take my time with her. I can breastfeed for as long as I like... or as long as she needs.
But now... now I'm yet again forced to give up this little joy earlier than I want.
But I do have to do it. I have to get these hormones back in check before I start gaining weight again.
Last night, the awfulness of the last five years came flooding back into my memory.
I have been a bad wife. For almost five years, I have been a bad wife. That's the only way to put it.
I mean, in our first year of marriage I gained 60 pounds... and kept going up from there. I have been emotional and irrational. I have gotten angry over things that should have been small annoyances. I have been too tired to keep a clean house or cook on a regular basis.
I haven't been the greatest mom either. CJ has spent way too much of her young life in front of the TV while mommy slept on the couch.
Life has been hard. Really, really, unnecessarily hard.
And I finally had some hope. For the last ten months (since getting the treatment last fall) I have felt like a completely different person.
Brandon and I haven't had one of "those" fights... well... actually... I can't remember the last time we had one. My house is clean, and it STAYS clean. Dinner is on the table, usually, five nights a week. (The other two nights, he is at basketball.)
I take CJ to the playground... or play with play-doh... or paint... or play Barbies...
For a few short months, I have finally felt like I could be a GOOD wife and a GOOD mom.
But last night, as all the terrible memories from the last five years came flooding in, I saw my chances of being happy and energetic going down the tube.
Well, not exactly. I mean, there IS a treatment, and I KNOW it works.
It just mean, yet again, giving up my beautiful baby connection to get better.
And that's just one of those decisions that no mother should ever have to make.
It sucks. And it's not fair.
And I know I sound like a baby. And I know that life is not fair. And I know that, in the end, this is the best decision for my family.
But I'm going to pitch a fit about it... just for a little while.
Sue me.
Anyways... here is what we have decided...
I am going to wait until September to call Dr.Zengo. This is for several reasons:
1. I will start teaching in the fall, and will be able to afford the treatment (since we don't have US health insurance).
2. That will give M a good 4 months of breastfeeding before I have to wean her. (*cry*)
3. My body could still reset itself once M starts sleeping through the night. I mean, that's what bodies are SUPPOSED to do. Stress causes the heightened cortisol levels for a period of time, and once the stress is eliminated, the body returns to normal. Interrupted sleep puts a body in high-stress mode. But, since she slept through the night two nights ago, and since we are starting to initiate a bedtime routine, we are hoping for some all-night sleeps within the next couple weeks. So once I'm able to sleep like a normal person, it IS possible that my body could fix itself.
So... we're going to wait just a few months before I start the treatment.
"In the meantime," B said, "listen to happy music and think happy thoughts. It's only a few months. We'll make it."