Homesick?
I'm struggling these days.
I think, for the first time (in my life?) I am truly homesick.
B and I have been researching teaching positions in our area back home, and the thought of returning home (as early as January?) has struck a chord in my heart.
I miss my family.
I miss driving to the grocery store... and to starbucks.
I miss grandparents (and their free babysitting).
I miss hanging out with American friends... in my home.
I miss my home. My red couch. My oven. My dishwasher. My dryer. A/C.
Mainly, I miss the encouragement of having other (American) moms around when I am feeling depleted or incapable.
This is a very difficult season with CJ too. I think that has a lot to do with it.
I'm having to come to terms with the fact that I am simply not a very good toddler mom. I'm not patient enough to deal with the tantrums. I'm not creative enough to keep her entertained. I just keep thinking, "I can't wait until she goes to school." And I know that's terrible. I just feel so incapable with her at this stage.
And I keep thinking: if we were back home, I would just take her to the pool every day. Or we could just go to the Chicken place and play on their playground in the A/C. Or she could go spend the afternoon with one of the grandparents. Or... so many options.
Here, my options are: movie or some other form of inside entertainment, blazing-hot playground with no shade, or ... well, that's it.
No wonder we're driving each other nuts.
In all honesty, it's not her. She's just being a normal toddler. And she is very patient, I can't tell you how many times a day she asks for something, and I have to say, "After M eats" or "After M goes to sleep" or "Not while M is sleeping." And CJ almost always accepts my answer with patience. If only I could have that much patience with her...
I also keep thinking about Dr.Z. Honestly, I am over the whole breastfeeding thing. I just want to lose weight. If I were back home, I would have already had an appointment with him and be on the HcG diet.
I'm just homesick.
That's all it is.
And, like I said, I think it may be the first time in my life I have really felt like this.
The language software came in the mail a couple days ago; so maybe as I learn the language, and start building some stronger relationships, things will get better.
I'm sure it's a phase.
I have lived my whole life waiting for the "next big thing." But I'm determined not to live that way here. I won't sit around - while living my dream - wishing I were somewhere else.
So I just have to power through the next couple days (or however long this thing lasts) and try to do the best I can while I'm here.
"Bloom where you're planted."
Yessir'ee