Another change... another guilt trip
I'm not pregnant.
In other news...
I have decided not to give my mom any response whatsoever when she expresses her emotions to me (regarding Memphis).
I'm just going to say, "ok" or "yeah" or something like that. No response.
Because our conversations go something like our most recent one...
Mom:"We just drove 8 hours from Buluxy. 8 hours is a lot further than I thought. Memphis is just too far."
Me: "Yeah, but flights from Memphis to Atlanta are regularly $59. Flying would cut the time almost in half."
[Insert some debating about whether it would take four or five hours from her door to our.]
Mom: "Still, you can't make a trip like that with two little girls very often."
(To which I did NOT respond, "How often were you thinking to begin with? If we wanted to be in Athens that badly, we would not be moving to Memphis.")
Me: "Well, we'll see. How did we get on this subject? What were we talking about before?"
Mom: "I don't know. Weight loss, I think. I always seem to come back to this, don't I?"
Me: "Hmmm."
Mom: [in a quivery voice] "Well, it's late. I should go to bed."
Me: "Ok. Talk to you later."
Mom: "Love you."
Me: "Bye"
So. That's it. If she can't keep her emotions more hidden than that, perhaps I can lead by example.
Or, at least I can drop a HUGE hint that I'm not interested in her guilt trips.
What I WANT to say is: "You are entitled to your feelings. I think I understand why you feel the way you do. I understand that this is not fair to you and that I am depriving you of one of your greatest joys. But I am not responsible for your happiness. I AM responsible for my marriage and the well-being of my children. And for BOTH of those causes, Memphis is a better choice (even if the girls' happiness is indirectly caused by peace and stability in our marriage). What I DON'T understand is whether you simply don't see how good this decision is for us, or if you see it and prefer to feel sorry for yourself over feeling happy for us. We have talked time and time again about how BT's guilt trips have alienated her children from her. How can you not see that you are doing the same thing? We are not making this decision to hurt you. It's not personal. We aren't angry with you and attempting to avoid you. This is simply the best decision for us, right now. We have made up our minds. Now you have a decision: you can deal with it in your own way - without me - and thereby continue our relationship the way it is. Or you can continue to moan, complain, and tear-up every time you talk to me and find our calls growing further and further apart. B calls BT once a month, at most, and then dislikes it because she makes him feel guilty. Don't be surprised if you end up the same way if you continue down this path."
Of course, I will never ever ever say those things to her. Much like similar feelings I have held towards others in the past, they will remain here, in this little corner of the world.
I'm glad I have this place. Better to let it out here than on the phone with her.
I will, however, stop giving heed to her self pity. I refuse to respond - either positively or negatively. I will simply shut down. End the conversation.
Hehe. It's funny now that I think about it. I do the same thing to CJ when she throws her tantrums. Turn my back. Walk away. Tell her that when she's ready to act like big girl, I will be waiting.
It doesn't seem fair I should have to be a parent to both of them.
This is a mean entry.
I'm just hurt, I think. Hurt that, for once, she can't hide her emotions a little better. Hurt that I can't call and talk to my mom about the exciting things in my life. Hurt that, once again, I am forced to choose between my happiness and hers. Hurt that I have to feel guilty over choosing my own.
And angry that she's the one forcing me to make that choice.
Lord, please help me never to do this to my children. Please help me to support them and encourage them and let them make their mistakes. Please help me to have enough self-control to keep my pity to myself.
What a day. Sheesh.