Processing plans.
It's funny how this little diary I started so many years ago is my "go-to" place when life gets tough.
I need to write when stuff happens, I just don't want to write in a place where alllll my friends and family can read.
So I just scoot on over to my oft-neglected diaryland account.
I'm up early on this Monday morning. I have two weeks left at this "job," and I pray every day that the Lord gives me a strength just to show up.
That's all I have to do: show up. I don't have to actually work. I don't have to answer phones. All of my tasks have already been transferred to my (overwhelmed) replacement. So I watch movies. And I search blogs. And I build my web site. And I plan my business.
My business. Yeah. There's a topic worth writing about. I'm starting one.
I've been thinking about it and talking about it for years. But this recent set of circumstances has kind of forced me into it.
I read a quote the other day that said: Whatever you do when you procrastinate is probably what you should be doing as your work.
And this is it. This is what I do. I blog. I paint. I do crafty stuff. I yard sale. I surf the web for awesome home decorating ideas that I could never afford to do for my own home.
And somehow, all of these things fit together in one neat little bundle.
I sold my first piece last week. I only made $25, but it was a small piece and had several flaws in it.
My next piece is a BEAUTIFUL coffee table that I'm hoping to get a couple hundred out of.
I'm learning every step of the way. For example, because I didn't sand between layers of paint, I ended up wasting $30 worth of paint on this table. It will be okay. It just eats up my profit. Now I know.
Last night, I did my first "for profit" painting. It did not turn out well. I keep looking on the internet for inspiration, and when I try to copy what I see, it just doesn't turn out well.
When hubby got home, he was sweet but honest. He basically told me what I already knew.
Then he said something like, "You need to do your own style. Maybe it doesn't look right because it's just a copy of someone else."
And I knew in my heart that he was right.
So I looked around the internet this morning, and nobody else has anything like my "Maple bird" paintings. I actually thought those up on my own, and I LOVED M's little nook where they hung in our old apartment. So I'm going to stick with those for now. Maybe throw in some owls for the boy's paintings.
Very simple. Very basic. Tree branches and Maple Birds. I even think I'm going to use fabric cutouts for the names.
I might do something similar with scrapbook paper to create some grown-up version of the art work. We shall see.
With all the work, I often forget to process how I'm feeling.
It's like a divorce. I feel hurt. I feel that I have poured the last year and a half of my life into this job, often to the neglect of my kids, my house, and my husband. Only to have it all taken away from me. All of my Memphis friends work at this job. I can't see any of them without thinking about it. Because my kids went there with me every day, they will feel the pain of "losing" their friends and routine. Sure, we'll visit on weekends, but it's not the same as seeing them every day - doing life with them.
So, yes, it's hard. It's hurtful. I feel wronged. Yet I know that I also am at fault. That hurts all the more.
But my "business" is my light in the darkness at this point. I feel free and excited and weightless when I do that work.
It's my work. It's my vision. And I love - LOVE - that I can take an old worthless piece of junk that somebody donated, and turn it into a beautiful piece of art that someone will display in their home. I LOVE that.
Yesterday, our family had lunch, and as we were getting out of the car, B told one of his "typical" jokes. I laughed so hard! Then he said something that surprised me: "I love you, wife. I love that you laugh at my jokes. I haven't heard you laugh like that in a long time."
And I realized after he said that, I laughed a lot yesterday. I was happy. And relaxed.
And so maybe getting fired is the best thing that's ever happened to me from a career perspective. Maybe that job lasted as long as it was supposed to, and not a moment longer.
I can already see the benefits of working there. It's the first time I've ever been around a group of true entrepreneurs. Every good idea they had, they attempted to turn into money. They made business plans and set budgets.
Nothing came of all their plans. But it showed me how to take those first steps, and I'm using what I learned right now.
I think I'm also relieved that everything finally caved in. I feel like my entire "city" has been built on a cavern, and I was just holding my breath waiting for the day when everything would fall into a huge sinkhole.
While I was "successful" on the outside, I knew - I KNEW - that I was failing in the foundational things. I had very little discipline. I didn't keep my word. I was failing at everything that really mattered.
But now everything has crashed down around me. I'm at ground zero. If there was ever a time for me to rebuild with a new foundation, it's now.
So that's what I plan to do.
I plan to rebuild. I plan to work hard. I plan to have discipline and patience and consistency.
And I pray that God will help me rebuild on HIS foundation, not on my own version of it.
It's 6:05, and the family will be getting up soon.
Today's plan: take some movies to work. Cut out coupons. Read a book. Sketch my canvas patterns. Drink coffee. Build my website. Use what time I have left with free childcare to take care of all my "computer" sides of the business.
Enjoy life.